Hello inspired.worlders

I'm loving hearing from many of you how you're enjoying reading my articles and how the topics are resonating with you. Keep that feedback coming and if there's anything you want me to cover, do let me know. I'm here for you.

This week we dig into the final quadrant of my model - communication - embarking on a journey into proven techniques are used in the most tense and difficult negotiations from the boardroom, to the police cell, to the dinner table.

Ninja-level: less common, expert level, truly game changing, often simple yet hard to practice techniques.

Practice with patience and persistence leads to mastery.

You will be more understood, respected, have your boundaries honoured and build better, stronger relationships in the process.

1. The Magic of Empathy: Chris Voss's Wisdom

Let's kick things off with a dose of wisdom from the negotiation guru, Chris Voss. As a former FBI hostage negotiator, Voss knows a thing or two about high-stakes conversations. His golden nugget of advice? Empathy.

Practical Example: Imagine you're in a heated discussion with a co-worker about a project. Instead of dismissing their concerns, try saying, "I understand that you're worried about the project's timeline. Can you share more about your concerns?" This simple act of empathy can de-escalate tension and open the door to a productive dialogue.

2. The Power of "No"

One of Voss's most renowned negotiation tactics is the power of "No." Instead of avoiding it, he encourages us to embrace it. When you hear a "No," it's not the end of the conversation; it's an opportunity to dig deeper. Curiosity is your super power. Lean into this and ask open-ended questions like, "What would make this work for you?" or "What's holding you back?". This approach can open doors you never knew existed.

Practical Example: You're negotiating a salary increase with your boss, and they respond with a firm "No." Instead of feeling defeated, respond with, "I appreciate your honesty. Could you help me understand the reasons behind the decision? It would be valuable for me to know how I can improve."

3. Non-Violent Communication: Disarm blame & defensiveness

Non-Violent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg, is like the unicorn of communication models-rare, but oh so magical.

If you've been reading me for a while, you know I love Marshall Rosenberg's work. His audio book is such a pleasure to listen to and putting his techniques into practice have changed my life.

The underlying problem in so many unsatisfactory interactions is actually the unintended blame and triggering of defensiveness that gets in the way.

Notice next time your team member, senior stakeholder or partner blows up at you - do they seem to be going on the attack or defence? Ooops we've unintentionally made them feel blamed; something some are very sensitive to.

This is the tragedy of so many difficult conversations that I hear in my coaching practice - we accidentally hurt each other and react; hurt people hurt people. We say things we don't really mean or we say what we mean but it is misunderstood by the other. Ouch. This sucks. So let's learn the steps to unlock the magic in NVC:

4. The Four-Step NVC Process: a 'How To'
NVC is built on a four-step process that can revolutionize your communication:

Observation: Start by describing the situation without judgment or evaluation. Stick to the facts.
Practical Example: Instead of saying, "You left your socks on the living room floor again!" try, "I noticed there are socks on the living room floor."

Feeling: Share your feelings about the observation. Be honest and vulnerable.
Practical Example: Continue with, "When I see the socks on the floor, I feel like I'm starring in a never-ending episode of 'Sock Wars.'"

Need: Identify your unmet need or what is important to you in this situation.
Practical Example: "I need a living room that doesn't resemble a laundry basket to feel relaxed."

Request: Finally, make a clear request that is actionable and concrete.
Practical Example: "Could we agree on a 'Sock-Free Zone' policy for the living room?"

Why is this revolutionary? Because so often, I see the pattern that I too have had to work to change. When upset about something, we have a tendency to jump right in to the middle of the issue, throwing around blame and having a moan... "you always...", "you never...."

Instead, slow it down, break it down using this pattern and be sure to make a request that helps you together co-create a better outcome. This kind of ‘conflict' builds understanding, mutual respect and helps deepen trust.

...and notice how a sprinkling of humour helps :) Lighten up, we don't need to take everything so seriously.

5. The 'I' Statements Rule

NVC encourages using "I" statements, which prevent blame and foster understanding.

Practical Example: Instead of saying, "You never listen to me," try, "I feel unheard when I'm interrupted during our conversations. Can we find a way to ensure we both have a chance to speak?"

6. Active Listening: Your Superpower

In both Voss's approach and NVC, active listening is your superpower:
· Give your full attention to the speaker
· Summarise what you've heard to confirm understanding
· AND ask clarifying, curious questions.

This simple practice on its own can transform the quality of your conversations.

Practical Example: During a discussion with a friend who's going through a tough time, instead of offering solutions right away, you can say, "I hear you're feeling overwhelmed. That sounds hard. Tell me more about what's been bothering you lately."

Notice the difference than if you were to reply with what we mistakenly think builds empathy: "yeah I'm under pressure too, too much work, my step dad is so ill, honestly so many things on my plate." We think this builds connection, actually it's more likely to cause dis-connection, the other not feeling heard or valued.

7. Practice, Patience, and Persistence

Great communication isn't built in a day. It's a lifelong journey of growth and self-awareness. Practice these techniques in your daily interactions, and don't be discouraged by occasional setbacks. Every conversation is an opportunity to improve.

Practical Example: If you're working on active listening, set aside time each day to practice with a family member or friend. Ask for feedback and keep refining your skills.

8. What? So What? Now What?

Over the last roughly six minutes, you've been on a journey into ninja level communication mastery.

What resonated with you the most I wonder?

So what difference does this make to you? Ask yourself - what conversation is a bit stuck? Why does this matter to you? What is the outcome you'd like instead?

Now what: Choose one of the techniques above and put it into practice. To shift a stuck dynamic, we must do something different, specifically listen differently, say something different. And just notice what shifts....

We'd love to hear how you get on.

Thank you for joining us today. If you found this article valuable, share it with your friends and colleagues, and let's create a world where great communication is the norm.

Until next time, be, move, live, love, stay inspired!