I think that Hollywood, Bollywood and the likes of Disney have polluted our minds and distorted what real love, real friendship is.  What it is, how we experience it, what it looks, sounds and feels like.

We think if we are strongly attracted, its love.  If a relationship isn’t working, it’s not love.  If it’s not working, we aren’t right for each other and should move on. 

I’m not sure this is true because relationships take ‘skills’ that we just don’t get taught by anyone.  I know in my own experience and in many of my clients, problems are often of our own unconscious making.  Just a little bit more awareness + an upgrade of our communication skills and boom!  It’s like alchemy – relationship gold created from the super mundane.

The problem with the Hollywood/Bollywood-ification of Love is that we so often mistake attachment, co-dependency and lust for love which ultimately leaves us feeling heartbroken and increasingly suspicious, even closed off and perhaps bitter.

So let’s sort this out!  Let’s get clear on what love is and isn’t so we can recognise true love and let more of it into our lives. 

I believe love is the underlying currency through all our relationships, not just our most romantic relationship. 

I find the Buddhist definition of love the most helpful.  It is said, True Love has four parts:

• Benevolence or loving-kindness:  Seeking to understand another, through the practice of deep looking, really listening.  Love is impossible without understanding.

• Compassion:  The willingness to witness and desire to ease the pain of another.

• Joy: Being the sunshine in someone’s life.  If you are suffering all the time, crying or making another cry, it’s not love.

• Freedom or Equanimity:  True love liberates.  Love feels free inside and out.  Do you have enough space in your heart and all around you?

Whether at work, in love, family or even our relationship with ourself, great relationships have these qualities – do you agree? 

The best teams at work I’ve been part of have these qualities.  We made each other laugh, we supported each other through tough times, we took time to understand each other and listen to our joys and pains.

It’s the same with friends too, although friendship is a whole topic in its own right.  I often think of friendship as platonic love and each relationship like an ingredient that makes a great recipe with me.  With that said, these 4 qualities absolutely hold true for my friendships too I’ve found.  Those that are the rainy storm cloud in my life, the ones who aren’t interested in witnessing me for example – they don’t feel like my true friends.   Do listen to Friendaholic by Elizabeth Day if you feel moved to jump down the rabbit hole and explore the rich, deep and broad topic friendship in depth. 

Romantically speaking, it seems we are doomed to repeat our family history for any patterns we haven’t ourselves healed.  In my case, I suddenly had this lightbulb moment when I realised I was ‘in love’ in a relationship with a guy I didn’t even really like or respect.  I felt a really strong pull toward him, there was passion and conflict, it was like a gravitational pull.  Surely a pull this strong was right, I thought at the time, but why was it so painful?

Thankfully, hearing Eckhart Tolle speak, I realised it was a ‘pain body’ connection and I was essentially playing out the messed-up relationship that my parents had had in an unconscious process to try and resolve it.  I was able to end this toxic relationship - a very powerful lesson in self-worth.

It is so often the case that people who experienced trauma in their childhood often become trapped in violent or abusive relationships for exactly this reason.  On a subconscious level, we pick someone like our abusive care giver and try to build a healthy relationship to heal the early wound.  Of course this doesn’t sound like a good idea now its spoken aloud and written down on paper….this is the power of journaling often, we help bring things out into the open.

This more real and practically helpful model for what Real Love is helps us avoid confusion.  It gives us a way to understand where someone else is coming from and if there are good for us or not. 

I’d love to know what you think having read this.  What resonates with you?  Any insights you’re willing to share?